I am so incredibly imperfect.
I buy sage and never burn it.
I sit in silence, legs folded
Until they go numb and my phone buzzes.
I hear the calls of beauty, of harmony, of wisdom,
But I don’t know how to answer.
I am messy.
The curls of my being unravel
In a maze of tangled clothes, crumbs, and jumbled ideas.
I imagine the peace of orderliness
And fall into my unmade bed
Cradled by the familiar comfort of
Half-read books, half-written notes, half-finished dreams.
I sense the presence of a greater joy
A greater meaning.
But I don’t know how to rip off the layers of
Doubt and disappoint so that my raw skin
Can bathe unobstructed in the pure light of existence.
I am complicated, in my simple human way.
I wonder at the ways in which other people are complicated, or not.
How some of them are so clean and crisp and clear
At least, that’s how they appear.
Maybe we are all swimming in a muddied pool
And fool ourselves to think that washing away the mud
Will bring us any closer to the purity we imagine
Could award us with ultimate knowledge.
Maybe the deeper knowledge—which is no knowledge at all
Just essence of being
Is buried deep in that mud
Buried deep in those crumpled piles of sheets and blankets and dirty laundry
Hidden in the to-do lists that never made it onto paper
Lying amongst the dust on that shelf strewn with half-burnt candles, folded cards, and worn crystals.
I feel my heartbeat in my chest. In my neck. In my wrists.
I feel the flow of warm air leave my nostrils.
I feel the ache in my throat, the ache that wants to name things and know things
And voice things and find soothing comfort in those names.
I will stay with this feeling when I can.
This messy, un-Goddessy, un-enlightened, living feeling.
I will sit with the imperfection.
The novelty of being with this body
Electrified by whatever Soul or Spark ignites it.
Maybe, some days, I’ll make the bed.
One thought on “Imperfection”
That was beautiful, Kristen! Please feel free to share in the APC if you’d like to spread your work further. I think a lot of people can relate. No pressure, just an offer😊